Why I am so mean to my boyfriend?

I get this a lot from people who know me. Why are you SO mean to your boyfriend? I am really mean and irritable with my boyfriend. For the past 9 months with my boyfriend, I have been this way.

Here is some background to this.

I was a horrible girlfriend. I had told my ex-boyfriend about how successful my relationship was. Well, he told his best friend. Anyways, that best friend and I had been talking a lot, and he tried to get me on many occasions to exchange sexual pictures. Well, I basically did once, but that is later on. Anyways, that started a period of where my boyfriend and me started to have fights after fights. Well two months later on, I was very impressed by my boyfriend’s sexting behavior. I sent him an explicit picture of me.

Okay I am going to be honest. I was turned on, but I did not want to take a picture of me because when you’re in a long distant relationships its easy to forgot to groom any part of you. Anyways, I sent him a picture that I send to my ex-boyfriend in the past. My boyfriend asked how I was so tan in December, and I was saying it was the lighting. When in honesty, it was in July when I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend once before meeting my current boyfriend. 

Anyways, my boyfriend forgave me for that, and basically, he gave me a choice. Either I have to go see him this summer or he will break up with me or I don’t go to school anymore and move to Italy where he was. Well I thought it was shitty on him to that, but I couldn’t not do it. I had to do it. I did a horrible thing, and it made sense to me why he would want me to go.

So, I agreed to go to Italy. We didn’t make plans until I went back home from my school year at college. Basically, he has heard this for awhile that his mom was having a wedding in July, and I knew that. I knew the date, and everything. So together, we planned enitre two months together where I would spend the first half of June at home. I would fly on the 8th. Then, he would come with me back by July 16th to the States. Next, he would rent a car and take me with him as his plus one to his mom’s wedding. After that, he would stay in the states until past the 25th (I forgot when he left).

So, I ended up getting to Italy on the 17th due to flight troubles. It was nice. He caught my attention when I was walking out. I missed and walked pass him a lot. Anyways, it was just really nice at first. He was really nurturing, and he was just happy for a bit. Then, he had to go back to work, and that’s when things started to go to hell.

Basically, I don’t have a license. I couldn’t really leave. I knew no one.  I have no transportation. I had no way to really take care of myself. The internet was slow, and I couldn’t entertain myself. He barely had any food. He didn’t have much money, and therefore, it was really hard for me to convince him that I should get this and that. He would leave for hours after hours. Then when he would come back, he would want to take a nap. He would then would want to watch comedies while playing video games for hours. Some time after that, he would give me 5 minutes of attention to ask if I wanted food or anything. If it wasn’t during Italy’s strange food times, then I was out of luck that day really. I mean I had white peaches and green apples. That is pretty much all I had to snack on. I did eat a lot of his chocolate that he would use for milkshakes.

Before I came here, he kind of put it in my head that a lot of things would happen. He told me such a cute fantasy about like pretend marriage life with him. I had so many high hopes that he would have these things for me to be there with him. Honestly, not a single thing he said happened. Well, Paris happened, and that was it. In all, I was really disappointed.

Besides that I was miserable and very disappointed, I was missing EVERYTHING that my family was doing like trips, major events, and I even missed a funeral of someone so important to me.

Besides that, here are things he told me in Italy while I was there.

Here is the list:

  1. He was unattracted to me because I refuse to work out with him.
    1. This meant he would spend more time with video games
    2. That is why we had less sex
  2. While I was drunk (for the second time in my entire life), he told me he doesn’t want me to go to his mom’s wedding because he felt that his “friends” were much more important.
  3. While in Paris, he basically told that he doesn’t want to be with me because he wanted to explore Europe. Then, he continued to focus on European women.
  4. While in Paris, he refused to let me go back home alone because he felt since I had 2 and half weeks left that I shouldn’t go. I had only been there for about 2 weeks.
  5. Throughout my time in Italy, and even in Paris, he constantly tried to emphasize that I would look amazing with make-up. I didn’t wear any make-up at this time.
  6. He basically in Italy didn’t want to talk about any bad news while I was sober.
  7. He barely said I love you.

All this to me seemed like he was no interested in me. I was forced to deal with him for a weekend at my parent’s home. Basically on the flight, he didn’t want to tell me whether if he wanted us together or not. Sadly, I pretty much cried my heart out to him on the flight back to my home with him. He just slept the entire time I was telling him this. Then, he basically forced me to fake it with my family. I didn’t want to tell them we broke up and we had to have him in the house after that.

Well so, he saw a lot of my anger on his last day at my parent’s house. He saw that, and while suddenly I was pretty much shaking because he was driving insane, he tried to force me to tell him what all was wrong. He pretty much begged me to finally talk things and that he was ready to talk about it. I wasn’t at all dealing because he had a bus ride to take and it was in 2 hours. We had to find his glasses. So I ran off to go find those, and basically, he came out of my room with some tears. It was just bad night. I had to tell my parents to go ahead with the movie that was going to happen if my boyfriend had his glasses that night.

After that, me and my boyfriend had to talk about how I felt because it had to happen at this point. I told him basically that I can’t do what we were doing in Italy. I couldn’t do causal. I hated all the things he said. I didn’t trust him. I basically felt uncomfortable being with him. I hated the place he put me where I was having sex with him and we were everything pretty normal but then he would say we aren’t together. I told him I felt literally uncomfortable after we had sex because it felt like he was using me. Then he started to tear up and cry a little as he heard me say more and more about this. He basically responded back saying he didn’t know I felt uncomfortable by this and that he would tell me what he wanted when he had to come back 2 weeks later.

During this time, I basically was entirely pissed off because the ONLY reason he called was to sleep. If I tried to say anything and talk, he would yell at me. Then, he would tell me it was my fault he was having a horrible night of sleep. I basically only found out what was going on with him through stalking his social media. This was not my proudest moment. I basically sent messages to everyone who could talk to him and tell him (I did sent messages to him) that if he came back to my parent’s house that I would call the police. He was not welcomed. He insisted though that he would come and that I better not do what I threaten. I basically didn’t because I felt horrible after I heard that he was going to come back.

Basically, my dad picked him up from the bus stop, and he saw me. He told me how much he missed me. He told me that he was really glad I didn’t come. That he celebrate his 21st birthday with his friends. He ended up being with friends a lot. Basically, in the end, he was like I did the right thing, but next time he would bring me. Then, I had to ask him whether he had made a decision or not. He told me that he realize that I was important. He told me that he wants to work on us.

Back to Present

We ended up going back to the long distance. I ended up getting really mean to him because of the resentment I had for him. He didn’t even try to work on us like he said. He ended confessing to me that he felt like it wasn’t a big deal. He ended up treating like this past summer was okay and that it was the past. He ended up being much worst after this last summer. Basically, he doesn’t respect when I feel uncomfortable. Now, he likes to annoy me when he is having a horrible time in life. He basically is so irritiable. Now, he is really irrational and unfair. He is treating me like I’m beneath him a little bit. The worst part is that he finally confessed that he resents both of us for staying in this relationship because it is taking away his youth. I think the worst thing is the only reason why (I think) he is staying with me is because I told him my rule. I do not become friends with my exs for any reason. He is just scared to think of a life without me.

Then today, he wants to get married. He says this a lot, but he hasn’t done a single thing that would tell me he would focus on us or that he wants me.

Basically, these are the very reasons why I am mean to him. I am with him because I love him and I only want him.

Comment down below and tell me what you thinks!  

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Clothes. Makeup. Boys. Family. Life. School. My life in a few words.

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