Babe, fuck you.

“Nothing’s that bad If it feels good
So you come back
Like I knew you would
And we’re both wild
And the night’s young
And you’re my drug”

Part of me knew that you were a drug to me. I knew that loving you came with as many negatives as the amount of breaths I take in a day. It was an endless amount of bad that felt good. For the longest time, I was able to feel that the bad wasn’t as horrible because you can also make extra highs for me. Ever night that we were together was intimate whether it was a fight, cuddling, or getting intimate. Either way, the night had both good and bads, and often there were many more bads that would occur. Besides the events and things that happen, there was something about getting intimate with you that was my drug to stay with you. Parts of me was addicted to that. The immediate highs to the really lows. The constant tears that followed the insider jokes. I loved all that for some fucking reason. Babe, I don’t even get it now. I don’t understand why I stuck beside you those three years. Now, I can’t even imagine having a good conversation with you anymore.

“I want you forever
Even when we’re not together
Scars on my body so I can take you wherever
I want you forever
Even when we’re not together
Scars on my body I can look at you whenever”

Although I don’t have physical scars from our relationship, I felt that there are scars I look at where I can feel that I still want you. Yes, even when you’re a piece of shit, I still want you after all that happened. I will always have a part of me that will love you, but I love you in a non-romantic way now. Part of me will always feel connected to you since we were an item for nearly 3 years.

“Am I out of my head?
Am I out of my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like
Don’t think that I can explain it
What can I say, it’s complicated
Don’t matter what you say
Don’t matter what you do
I only wanna do bad things to you
So good, that you can’t explain it
What can I say, it’s complicated”

It’s really complicated when I think about you now. Part of me will always be attracted to you because you were one of the loves of my life. Part of me will always love you because I spent a big chunk of my adult life on you. Yet, most of me will always hate you. Because you were those sections of my life, you will always be in my mind. You were with me for nearly 3 years. You took me to Italy. We went to Paris together. You’re the first serious person to meet everyone on my dad side of the family. No matter what people say I can only say that things are complicated whenever I think about you.

I am not even going to lie that part of me still would have sex with you and that’s a huge part why this song reminds me of you. Babe, if you’re reading this, I still fucking hate you, and I will always hate you. I will never forgive you for the betrayal. Most importantly, I will never waste time on you anymore.

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Clothes. Makeup. Boys. Family. Life. School. My life in a few words.

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